How We See Ourselves

Why is it that when we’re skinny (or at a healthy weight) we tend to think we’re fat? Then as we gain weight, we know we’re fat, but in denial about just how fat we are. Until one day, there we are, going about our business and someone snaps our picture. They think you automatically would want a copy, so they send it to you. You take a look at the picture and say “wow, who’s that poor fat woman (or man) who wasn’t able to hide from the camera fast enough?” Then you realize it’s you! You look at the picture a little more closely. Still in a little bit of denial, “that just can’t possibly be me” you say. Next comes the magnifying glass. You say, “OMG, it is me! When did I get that big? How long have I looked like this? Why didn’t I notice this before? Has anyone else noticed?”

My most recent “fat” picture came on Christmas day (2006). I think it was my brother’s gift to me, all wrapped up in the viewing area of his camera. He was supposed to be taking pictures of everyone opening their gifts, but instead, he seemed to be having more fun taking pictures of me (normally I take all of the pictures). I’ll admit part of it was funny. I kept making faces at the camera and everything, but that was before I saw what I looked like. I couldn’t believe how big I was. What happened to me? Where’s the Aimee I had gotten to know 2 years earlier? I knew I had gained all of my weight back, but I didn’t feel as big as what the pictures showed. I was really embarrassed by what I saw that day. Embarrassed enough to start making a change the next day? No, not really. I did what most people do and said “I’m going to start again on January 1^st”. Did I start on January 1^st? Yes I did! Can I say I’ve stuck to it from January 1^st until now? Sadly, no I can’t. It took me until March to get my mind in the right place again.

The point is why can’t we see ourselves for what we really look like? Why do we see ourselves as heavier when we’re thinner, and thinner when we’re heavier? I know after I had lost 110 pounds and was 30 pounds from my goal; I had a lot of days where I still felt like I was really fat. Now that I am really fat, I’d give anything to get back to those days again. It’s like it’s a psychological game we play or something.

Anyway, I feel the need to share my Christmas 2006 photo with all of you. The only reason I’m sharing it (as embarrassing as it is), is because I know my Christmas 2007 photo is going to be much better. So here I am as crappy as I look…

Me, Christmas 2006, taken by my brother Eric.

I have my weekly weigh in tomorrow morning. I don't think I'm going to be down at all, but hopefully it won't be too bad. I did really good today. :) TTYL!